


In Vino Veritas

by Scribe_and_Vibe



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26549728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scribe_and_Vibe/pseuds/Scribe_and_Vibe
Summary: In wine lies the truth. And Kathryn loves wine.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 16
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

She supposed it was inevitable really. Seven long years of command, seven months of an emotionally and mentally fraught return to the Alpha Quadrant. And despite the wonderful moments during those seven months, the friendships rekindled, the family reunited, the relationships that were allowed to breathe more freely and deeply than they had previously - something was going to have to give at some point.

The conversation she never thought they would have.

The conversation she was sure they had never had in the other timeline.

The conversation that she had thought had passed a long time ago.

The conversation she was sure he was no longer interested in having.

The conversation that had the potential to expose her emotionally like no other.

"Kathryn? What do you mean you tried to seduce me?"

=/\=

Chapter 1

She was late. She hated being late. But since their return from the Delta Quadrant a few months previously the infamous military timekeeping she had had since her days as a cadet had disappeared through the transwarp hub that had brought them home.

She smiled ruefully. Thankfully her hosts were no more likely to be on time than she was. Which was probably what having a teething baby did for you. A part Klingon teething baby at that. As she turned down the path to the Paris household she could hear the wails already. She wasn't sure if the wails belonged to Miral or either of her parents….

As she let herself in she called out tentatively and relatively quietly, learning from a previous mistake when she had bowled in, in all of her Admiral enthusiasm and was berated for waking the now not sleeping baby. That was the other thing that had disappeared with the transwarp hub. Any sense of command over her former staff. Oh she was the Admiral on occasion, but mainly she was just Kathryn. And she liked it that way.

She looked around and realised that they hadn't made a start on the tent for the ceremony, no sign of the caterers or the decorations that B'Elanna had ordered. She got a sinking feeling in her stomach and walked back to the hallway calling again up the stairs.

A bleary Tom Paris popped his head over the bannister from the first floor, "Oh thank God. B'Elanna! She's here!"

"Kahless! About time!" B'Elanna's voice shouted.

Kathryn raised her eyebrows in surprise, and not without some suspicion, "Why are you so happy to see me Mr Paris?" Kathryn asked tentatively.

"Don't Mr Paris me, Kathryn. You are late. We slept in. The baby hasn't stopped crying, I haven't showered, B'Elanna hasn't dressed and we are expecting the best part of 200 guests for a naming ceremony for the child I'm about ready to send out of an airlock!"

Kathryn tried vehemently not to laugh at Tom's face, he looked wide eyed and hysterical. She supposed that's what a constant lack of sleep did to you. She wondered if she had ever appeared like that on Voyager. Her insomnia was a constant sort of concern to her loyal former first officer. If she ever looked like Tom did now she could understand why.

She held up a hand, "I will sort the baby. You and B'Elanna get showered and dressed. I will call in reinforcements to get the house ready for the party."

"Admiral."

"Yes Tom?"

"I love you."

"I know."

Tom disappeared and she finally let the laugh escape that she had been holding in and climbed the stairs to Miral's nursery. She steeled herself, laughing again this time at herself.

"The Borg, the Hirogen. And here I am frightened of a teething baby," she muttered to herself as she crept through the door towards the cot.

"Hey there beautiful girl, Aunty Kathryn is here. Why don't you and me see if we can find someone organised, efficient and brilliant enough to make sure this party is up and ready for everyone to arrive in, Sh—-shoot, 75 minutes?"

Miral stopped her wailing to peer up at Kathryn as she brought the child in to her arms, almost looking at her quizzically.

"Oh no, not me. Let's see if we can get Grandma Gretchen here a bit earlier shall we?"

=/\=

'Grandma Gretchen' did indeed arrive a bit earlier, along with Phoebe, Admiral Paris and his wife Julia, Harry Kim, the Doctor, Samantha Wildman, Naomi, Icheb and Mike Ayala. Kathryn watched her mother with no shortage of amazement as the bomb site that was the Paris home was miraculously transformed, the tent for the ceremony was erected in the garden, decorations were adorned, food was laid out, a bar set up and the sound system switched on. All with a ruthless efficiency that would have shamed half the Admiralty of Starfleet.

As the last banner was put up by Harry and the Doctor, Kathryn, who was still trying to get some porridge down the baby, turned to her mother in wonderment.

"How on earth did you manage to complete all of that in 65 minutes?"

Gretchen shrugged, her attention still on the banner, "More to the left Gentlemen!"

Her sister Phoebe snorted in amusement, "Oh please Kathryn. This took her a lot longer than 65 minutes."

"What do you mean?" asked Kathryn, confused and a little distracted by the porridge that had just been spat on her top.

"I mean that when you came home last night and told Mom that you were going to be going to the Paris house early to help set up, she immediately called everyone to get them here to help."

Kathryn looked at her in amazement, "And why did she think I was so incapable?!"

Gretchen rolled her eyes at her eldest daughter while her youngest snickered away, "You may have brought a starship back from the Delta Quadrant sweetie, but domestic arrangements has never been your strongpoint," she tapped her fondly on the cheek, "I think you are going to need to change. You smell of porridge."

Kathryn didn't know whether to be offended or amused but dutiful daughter that she was, she handed the spoon to Phoebe with a slightly menacing smile, "Your turn," and laughed gaily as she went out the room at the look on her sister's face.

She turned slightly before she closed the door and took in the scene before her. The Doctor and Harry smiling happily at Gretchen's praise, more happily than strictly necessary she thought, but that was her mother for you. Mike Ayala approaching Phoebe in laughter as she attempted to finish what Kathryn couldn't. The Paris Seniors setting the last food plate on the table and looking proudly round the room and Samantha helping Naomi and Icheb select the playlist for the party that would follow the ceremony. She was overcome with emotion at the sight of all these people she loved, some of whom she thought lost to her for so long. Her heart almost burst with gratitude that they were all here. She brought her hand up to wipe the tear that had escaped and as she did so she felt a slight pressure on her should and looked round to see Tom and B'Elanna each taking a place at her side.

"This is amazing, Kathryn. Thank you," Tom said.

"Oh I did nothing, this was all Gretchen," Kathryn said, slightly embarrassed at being caught in her moment.

"Well I think it took Admiral level cunning to get the right people for the job," B'Elanna said as she wrapped her arm round Kathryn's, "Besides we never asked you here to organise the party."

"Why does everyone think I'm completely useless all of sudden?" Kathryn said with mock annoyance.

"Not completely useless Kathryn, listen?"

"What?"

"The baby isn't crying. You are the only one she will settle for. Tom and I think you should move in with us permanently."

Kathryn giggled, although she wasn't entirely sure B'Elanna was joking, "I spent long enough living with you two thank you very much. But I'm more than happy to babysit as much as possible."

Tom gave her a kiss on her cheek, and then screwed up his nose, "You should go and change Admiral. You stink of porridge."

=/\=

The ceremony had gone off without a hitch. Miral was too enthralled by all the people, the decorations and her Aunty Kathryn to make a murmur as her Godparents were enlisted and her name was celebrated. Her parents had finally relaxed and were enjoying Icheb's 20th Century music playlist on the dance floor. Kathryn was taking her Godparent duties seriously and had stolen Miral from her Godfather to make the rounds with the guests, leaving the Doctor to pout about favouritism.

She had just rescued Deanna Troi's necklace from Miral's grip when she noticed a familiar sight at the far end of the tent, champagne glass in hand, laughing at something Admiral Paris had said. She hadn't seen him for three months. It had been a shock to the system when he had left. The seven years at each other's side, the seven weeks of celebrations and debriefings where they had gotten their friendship back on track after years of neglect and the ending of his brief relationship with Seven the former Borg drone had left Kathryn with a small but definite hope of a somewhat different future relationship. A forlorn hope it had turned out.

Kathryn had entered the Welcome Home Ball with a spring in her step. The briefings were finally over, all of her crew had been offered Starfleet commissions if they wanted them and help finding new careers if they didn't. She had spent the past week with her mother and sister relaxing at a beachside resort. Her counselling sessions with Deanna Troi were reducing in frequency thanks to all the progress she had made. She felt balanced in a way that she hadn't for years. If ever.

"Woah," Tom Paris whistled as he and B'Elanna raced up to embrace their former Captain. "You look beautiful Cap-sorry *Admiral*."

Kathryn smiled, she felt beautiful truth be told. She felt at peace, ready to embrace the next phase of her life without the burdens that had threatened to smother her for so long.

She drank in the sight of her former helmsman and Chief Engineer. They looked at peace too, despite the 7 week old baby that was no doubt resting in her ecstatic grandparents arms who had volunteered to forgo the party to get to know their grandchild better.

She smiled happily as her former first officer walked up to them. A handsome figure in his black formal suit. Kathryn had refused to wear the new dress uniform and Admiral Paris had relented with a fond exasperation and declared that uniforms for the Ball were optional.

"Admiral," Chakotay nodded at her and the Parises and Kathryn tried not to feel a slight disappointed that he had looked at her without commenting as Tom had. And then berated herself for being such a female cliche. A strong woman, who has just led her crew out of the Delta Quadrant within 7 years, did not need the approval of a man to make her feel her worth.

"Admiral Hayes is keen to say a few words before the party gets started and has asked for you to join him," he motioned over to the table where Bill 'Blowhard' Hayes was getting ready to address the crowds. She rolled her eyes at Chakotay who smirked back at her, "Don't shoot the messenger Admiral. The quicker you get there, the quicker it will be over."

She walked away muttering something about traitors as she did so and tried to ignore their laughter as she pasted the fakest smile on her lips for Admiral Hayes. She turned to quip something to Chakotay and realised that he wasn't behind her as she had expected, he had remained with the Parises, still smiling at Kathryn's dislike of Bill Hayes, his attention on them and not on her. She almost faltered at something that settled low in her stomach and as she stood there listening to Hayes ramble on a few minutes later, she realised that the feeling that had shook her to her core was one that she hadn't felt in 7 weeks.

It was loneliness.

The Ball had been a success and Kathryn had danced with nearly every man on her crew and a lot of the women too. She had shook off her earlier feelings as just being uncomfortable with Bill Hayes' insistence of making a showpiece of her. She had enjoyed herself, drank champagne, danced, laughed and spent time with all the wonderful people that had served with her for seven years.

There was one dance victim that had eluded her though and that was her former first officer. She searched the crowds for him and found him standing by one of the great marble pillars looking out on to the dance floor.

"Commander? I fear I am going to have to bring you up on insubordination charges."

He turned to her with a slight smile, "Oh?"

"You are the only member of my senior, sorry, *former* senior staff that I have not yet had the pleasure of dancing with. Shall we?" She held out her hand to him with a smile that faltered as she watched him reach up to tug on his earlobe.

"Dancing isn't really my thing Admiral. Do you mind if we just sit and talk instead?"

Kathryn nodded as she followed him to an empty table, confused but not yet bowed.

"I am happy to just sit and talk Chakotay, I feel like my feet are ready to fall off after all the dancing tonight. But I must insist - if I let you get away with not dancing with me can you please drop the Admiral? I keep looking for my father when anyone says it."

Chakotay laughed at her mock despair, "Of course *Kathryn*." 

Kathryn watched as he looked out again over the dance floor, a frown marring his handsome face. She followed his line of sight to the dance floor where it had rested on the Doctor and Seven who were showing off their tango moves. She sighed, she hadn't realised when B'Elanna had told her the fledgling relationship was over that Chakotay harboured any regrets over it. B'Elanna thought he had been more embarrassed than anything. She had never raised it with him and as far as she knew, Chakotay thought she was unaware that any relationship had ever happened. Kathryn nearly snorted at the thought. 'If only.'

He must have felt her eyes on him as he turned back to her, a smile pasted on his face. Much like the one that she had pasted on her face for Admiral Hayes earlier in the night and wondered if that's how he saw her now. She had thought that they had repaired their friendship over the past few weeks and it hurt her to see him hide himself from her.

"Don't do that," she blurted out at him, cursing the champagne she had drunk that evening for loosening her tongue.

He looked at her in surprise, "Do what?"

"I'm not your Admiral, Chakotay, there's something bothering you. Don't hide from me."

"I wasn't aware that I was," he replied, honesty covering his features and she relaxed slightly and decided to change the subject to some happy news.

"Tom and Harry have booked an evening at Sandrines in Paris in two weeks time. Can you imagine Chakotay? The real bar! The real Sandrine! And then Tom wants to organise a picnic down at beach for a few weeks after that. Regular catch ups. Help us all to acclimatise back to the Alpha Quadrant."

Chakotay nodded back at her, "Seems like a great idea. I know quite a few of the crew would appreciate regular contact."

"Any concerns?" Kathryn asked, worried that she had missed a member of her crew who was not feeling as settled as she thought they all were.

"No, don't worry. Everyone is doing really well, but I know that Naomi in particular misses spending time with everyone. And I think all the crew need some time to get used to not seeing each other every day."

Kathryn looked at her friend, "What about you Chakotay? How do you feel about not seeing everyone everyday?"

He grinned at her and she grinned back, "Oh I don't know. I think I can cope without having to live next door to the boss!" He chuckled as he knocked back the last of his champagne and Kathryn felt her stomach roll again. She knew he didn't mean anything by it, that he wasn't being serious but it made her feel…unwanted.

"Actually there was something I wanted to speak to you about," he said as his face turned serious and she shook her maudlin thoughts away. Too much champagne. She gestured at him to continue.

"I'm going to to Trebus for a few months. I know my family are not there anymore but I just want to take some time before I take up my next commission."

Kathryn nodded mutely as he continued, "Feel like I could do with some time away from everything." The words 'and everyone' went unspoken but Kathryn knew that they were there.

"I leave tomorrow morning for the transport."

Kathryn looked at him in shock but tried to school her features, "You will miss Sandrines and the picnic?"

He at least had the decency to look ashamed at that, "I know but I feel it's the right thing for me. You do understand don't you?"

She didn't understand, she didn't understand at all at why now they were finally back he was rushing off again in to deep space for a few months. His family, his sister were all here on earth now. His friends were here. She was here. But as she looked in to his eyes, she could see his worry about how she would react to this news. She remembered all of the times when he didn't understand her. Didn't agree with her. But supported her nonetheless. It was time for her to do for him what he had spent the last 7 years doing for her.

"Of course. We'll miss you." She said quietly and squeezed his hand, he squeezed her fingers back and got up to stand.

"I better go and tell B'Elanna the news."

"Good luck!" Kathryn said ruefully.

He hesitated before he turned away, "I'll see you in a few months." All she could do was nod in return and he turned towards the Paris'.

She looked down at her glass of champagne, blinking back the tears that had accumulated. And far from drinking too much champagne, she realised that she hadn't drunk enough.

That was the last time she had seen him. She had sent him messages and got messages in return but the damage to the relay stations had meant that two-way communication was out of the question. And as time went on, the messages had got less and less, and shorter and shorter. In fact, she was surprised to realise that she hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks now.

"Kathryn?" Counsellor Trio, giggling as Miral released her necklace, had looked up to see what had gotten Kathryn's attention. And at that moment Chakotay had caught her eye and raised his drink in acknowledgement and a smile and then turned back to Admiral Paris. As if she was just another acquaintance. As if they hadn't not seen each other in months.

She felt Troi's knowing eyes on her and plastered on a smile to her former counsellor. She went to open her mouth when B'Elanna came up to her.

"Admiral? Can you help me with something?" Kathryn nodded and smiled at Troi as she left and tried to ignore the concerned look she had given her.

B'Elanna half dragged Kathryn to the other side of the room where the cake was sitting.

"What's wrong, did the dogs get at the cake again?" Kathryn asked shifting Miral in her arms as she looked in concern at the cake. Which looked perfectly fine.

"Nothing's wrong," B'Elanna said taking Miral out of her arms, "I just didn't want you to get blindsided by something."

"Blindsided by what?" Kathryn asked, confused at Torres' antics.

B'Elanna took a deep breath, "Chakotay's here."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I know, we've waved at each other. I know everyone was upset that he just went off for months, but I'm more pleased that he is back than anything."

B'Elanna shook her head, "It's not that. He's brought his girlfriend with him."

Kathryn looked at her former Chief Engineer. Her face blank. She struggled to know what to say. As close as she had become to the Paris' there were somethings that they never discussed. They were all a little hurt that Chakotay had just left them like he had, just when everyone was starting to settle. They were hurt that he hadn't kept in contact as often as he had promised. Those things they had all discussed. But they had never discussed how it had made Kathryn feel. How much she missed him. How often she had looked to her side to find he wasn't there. Although given the look Torres was now giving her it seemed they hadn't had to discuss it. They already knew.

"I wasn't aware…" she broke off as B'Elanna shook her head.

"None of us were. He introduced her to Harry when he came in. Harry told the Doctor, the Doctor told Tom who…"

"Who told you," Kathryn finished.

"Yes."

Kathryn smiled at her friend. For she was her friend now. Not her Chief Engineer, not a member of her crew. Her friend.

"I'm not going to insult your intelligence and claim that this information doesn't…unsettle me somewhat."

B'Elanna smiled at her.

"But that's my problem. Not anyone else's problem. Understood?"

Kathryn could see the barely concealed anger that B'Elanna was trying to control and she put her arms on the young woman's shoulders.

"I'm pleased..I am. That he has found someone. He wasn't built for loneliness."

B'Elanna nodded and Kathryn reached back for the baby.

"She's mine until I relinquish her. I'm meant to be introducing her to everyone."

"Your Aunty Kathryn is very bossy Miral. Try and keep her under control."

Miral gurgled at her mother and they both laughed, they caught each other's eye and without words promised to speak later.

"Right then little one. Let's go and face Uncle Chakotay shall we. Phasers to stun. No need for a red alert."

However by this point Chakotay had moved away from Admiral Paris, his arms round a beautiful dark haired woman, laughing as they both moved to the music. On the dance floor.

"Well Miral," Kathryn said, trying to ignore the way her voice trembled, "It seems like dancing is his thing after all."

=/\=


	2. Chapter 2

It was some time before she set eyes on him again. By this point she had rocked Miral off to sleep and the baby was laying peacefully in her arms when she spotted Chakotay and his date at the bar. He caught her eye and smiled at her and before she could think about it he was walking towards her.

"Seems you have the knack, Kathryn," he said gesturing towards Miral.

She smiled back at him as he reached out and stroke Miral's hand, "Either that or I just bore her to sleep." 

He chuckled back at her, his attention riveted on the baby in her arms, hers on watching him until a shadow behind him moved and she looked up to see one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen come up behind her former first officer and link her arm in his. Kathryn watched as he pulled his head up in surprise, obviously not expecting the contact but not entirely against it either.

"Leona, may I introduce Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn this is Dr Leona Contra."

"A pleasure, Doctor," Kathryn drawled, her diplomatic skills and Captain's Mask coming to her rescue. At least she wasn't blonde.

"The pleasure is all mine, Admiral. Chakotay has told me so much about you."

Kathryn laughed openly, and Chakotay smiled.

"Oh no! Please don't believe a word he says. I'm not as bad as I'm sure he makes out."

"On the contrary Admiral, I promise it was all positive. Apart from your insistence about going on away missions."

Kathryn grinned and Chakotay smiled, tugging his earlobe as he did so, but before Kathryn could make any further remarks she saw Chakotay's attention divert.

"Tom!" Chakotay said obviously pleased to see one of the hosts and introduced him to Leona. Kathryn stifled a smirk as she watched Tom charm Leona but was curiously slightly cold towards Chakotay.

"Great party, Tom," Chakotay said.

"Thanks, it was Kathryn's doing. We would have been a wreck without her, but that's Kathryn for you, always there when you need her," Tom smiled back at Chakotay as he threw a casual arm around Kathryn's shoulders. Chakotay's smiled faded slightly as he was no doubt surprised at the casual use of her name and had probably caught the undercurrent in Tom's tone. Kathryn could feel a headache coming on.

"Actually, it was my mother that saved the day. As per usual. If only she had joined Starfleet, the universe would be a much better place," Kathryn joked trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"Don't underestimate yourself Kathryn. You've saved me and B'Elanna from bedlam the past few weeks. Our daughter is part Klingon," Tom explained to Leona, "Makes teething an interesting experience."

"Then you are lucky to have such good friends," poor Leona commented, not understanding or noticing the charged atmosphere.

"We really are. I fear Kathryn has been at our house more than her own lately."

Now he was just exaggerating. Slightly.

"You should have let us know you were coming Chakotay, we could have picked you up from the transport station," Tom said and Chakotay looked in confusion between Tom and Kathryn. Kathryn just shrugged. This was Tom's pissing contest, not hers.

"I told B'Elanna that I would be back for the ceremony…" Chakotay trailed off.

"When you left yes. But as none of us had heard from you for weeks we just presumed you had made other plans."

Chakotay looked distraught, "I'm sorry Tom, truly. I didn't think…"

Tom, being Tom, and finding it hard to hold a grudge gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.

"Don't worry. Just remember, your life is mine," Chakotay looked in relief as Tom moved away to greet some more of his guests and turned back to Kathryn.

"I really didn't mean to upset them…" Chakotay said.

"They are your family Chakotay, and family gets worried when someone they used to see every day doesn't call as much as they could," Kathryn said to him gently.

"I hope you are not upset with him too, Admiral," Leona said with a smile, obviously not noticing how awkward the conversation with Tom had made her partner.

"Oh Chakotay's got 7 years worth of credits to use up before I could ever be upset with him. And besides," Kathryn drawled, looking at Chakotay, "He doesn't have to answer to me anymore." 

Chakotay frowned and went to answer when he was interrupted.

"Well hello, dreamy."

Kathryn groaned, unsure that this first meeting with Chakotay's girlfriend could get any worse. Now Phoebe had to turn up. Her long running flirtations with Chakotay were a standing joke with the crew, but Kathryn was slightly amused to see the blush under Chakotay's tan.

"Hello Phoebe," Chakotay replied, making the introductions again to Leona, who had a slightly cooler air in response to Phoebe's open flirtation.

"We've missed you Chakotay. I've had to make do with Mike Ayala while you've been gone."

"I'm sure Mike is devastated by that," Chakotay laughed and shared a glance with Kathryn who shook her head in part amusement, part exasperation. Phoebe being Phoebe was bad enough. Drunk Phoebe was a whole other level. When Mike turned up to be introduced she hoped he would steer her away.

"I hope you don't mind me taking a Janeway away from you Chakotay?" Mike smirked at his old friend.

"Oh you can definitely take that one away. Just leave Gretchen for me will you, she makes excellent Brownies."

"That leaves me with Kathryn as well then. Lucky me. The Admiral, the Artist and the Maquis. It's like some hot erotic holo-novel."

Everyone laughed, including Kathryn, knowing Mike as she did now, she knew his comments were harmless but she was surprised to see Chakotay looking at his old friend as if he had grown two heads, as if the idea disgusted him.

Kathryn busied herself with looking down at the sleeping baby, wondering if she could get the ground to just swallow her whole. It was one thing, knowing that Chakotay had moved on, but his horrified reaction to Mike's joke stung just a little. It was like he didn't even see her as an attractive woman anymore. But then, compared to the dark haired, exotic beauty currently on his arm, she wasn't sure she could blame him if he didn't.

God the thought made her miserable. She made her excuses, claiming that Miral needed to be put down for a nap and walked back in to the house. She settled Miral in to her cot and sat watching her new Goddaughter for a while instead of activating the holo nanny.

It wasn't as if she had spent the last few years pining for Chakotay. She had been too busy for that. But the connection she had with him was unlike anything she had experienced in her life. There had been chemistry there, she was sure of it. 

She understood that she had pushed him away. Had known that whatever he once felt for her was now buried under a settled friendship, loyalty and command relationship. She knew all of this. So why him turning up with a new girlfriend on his arm hurt so damn much she couldn't say. But it did.

"Thought I might find you here." 

Kathryn looked up to see B'Elanna in the doorway with a bottle of champagne in her hand and two glasses. Clever girl.

"I'd like to say that I thought Miral would do better in her cot than being swayed in someone's arms for a few hours. But we both know better than that. I'm afraid I used your daughter as a decoy out of a rather tricky situation. Can you forgive me?" Kathryn smiled at her friend.

"I was surprised you lasted as long as you did," B'Elanna said as she filled up the glasses and handed one to Kathryn.

"Your husband had made him feel awkward enough, I didn't want to add to it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure what to say."

"He's a p'taQ."

Kathryn shook her head at her friend, "No he isn't."

B'Elanna sat down heavily beside her on the couch and they both took a long sip of their drinks.

"I just don't understand. There was that whole thing with Seven - don't even get me started. And then he just disappears for *months* and returns as if nothing has happened with a new woman on his arm."

"He's always been able to bloom where he is planted," Kathryn replied.

"What do you mean?"

Kathryn smiled, "He's never been one to sacrifice the present for a future that may not happen. He knows to make the best of whatever situation he is in. And I meant what I said earlier, he isn't built for loneliness. It's surprising that he was single for as long as he was."

"But once we were home, we all thought…" B'Elanna trailed off and Kathryn realised that despite how close they had all become, some things might still be a little awkward to discuss.

Kathryn decided to save her, albeit knowing that the champagne she had consumed during the day was probably loosening her tongue more than normal.

"Maybe — a lifetime ago….He hasn't thought of me in a romantic way in many, many years. It was impossible while we were on the ship and whatever we had, just…" Kathryn stopped and swallowed as a ball of emotion rose up in her throat.

"It just went away. Seven was perhaps one of the few options for him. She didn't know him, he didn't know her. All of the other crew he had known for seven years. She was a beautiful possibility for him, and in another lifetime it probably would have worked out."

B'Elanna looked at her aghast, "Are you trying to tell me that in some 'other life' Chakotay and Seven are having sex because that's just…icky."

Kathryn laughed despite herself, "I have never heard you use the word icky."

"I've never had that mental image before."

B'Elanna refilled their glasses and settled back against the couch, "If Chakotay is able to bloom where he is planted why did he leave?" B'Elanna asked reasonably.

Kathryn took a second to respond, "I think coming back, everyone settling down in to their new lives in the Alpha Quadrant, left him unsettled. Chakotay also likes to be needed. Seven had dumped him…"

"Smart girl."

"Everyone was getting on with their lives. And once the debriefings were finished I think Chakotay just needed some time to find out what he is again before he gets swallowed up in another Starfleet career. And if he met some nice, beautiful…"

"Young."

Kathryn snorted, "Yes, young woman on his journey. Then who can blame him?"

B'Elanna nodded thoughtfully, "You really *get* him don't you?"

"Yes. He gets me too. At least he used to. I'm not so sure about now. I'm not entirely sure he even sees me anymore. I think he sees the Admiral, or the Captain at least."

"Then he should have stayed. Because we see you Kathryn. My word, I don't know what we would've done without you these past few months. Or Mike. You helped him so much with finding his boys. Harry. Tuvok. The Doctor. Seven. Jor. Gerron. Josa. Naomi. And all the rest. You knew what Chakotay didn't. That whatever it looked like from the outside, we've all had adjusting to do since we got back. He was needed."

"Don't be too hard on him 'Lanna. We're all finding our way."

B'Elanna pouted, "He deserves it."

Kathryn smirked at her, "You just need to take out your exhaustion on someone. Poor Tom is too much of an easy target."

B'Elanna snorted into her glass, "That's true. It's no fun when we are both too exhausted to argue. We haven't even had sex in days!"

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I'm not going to feel sorry for you - look who you are talking to."

"Fair point."

They settled in to an easy silence, watching Miral as she dreamt.

"Perhaps we need to find a nice young man for you, Kathryn."

"Young? Perhaps not too young. My own age would do nicely."

"Tall, dark, handsome?"

"Absolutely."

"Starfleet?"

"God no. Maybe a musician. An artist."

"Maybe Phoebe can help us."

"Oh God, don't involve my sister. I'll end up in some terrible holo-dating programme."

"Well at least you've had experience with that…"

Kathryn gave her a mock punch and giggled in a very un-admiral-like way.

"Ssh! You'll wake the baby!"

"Shall we replicate another bottle of champagne?

"That is the best idea you've ever had."

=/\=

"So this is where you two disappeared to!" Tom said as he came in to Miral's room. Kathryn and B'Elanna had put away most of the second bottle of champagne and Kathryn felt the most relaxed since she had first laid eyes on Chakotay and his girlfriend.

"Ssh!" Kathryn and B'Elanna whispered in unison.

"As much as I would like to leave you both to the bottle, sorry *bottles* of champagne you've probably got going on here, we have guests downstairs and an Admiral who is supposed to be giving a speech."

"Oh, God - that's even more reason to stay up here if your father is going to start droning on about being a grandfather again."

Tom smirked at Kathryn, "He's not the only Admiral in attendance Kathryn and you did promise. It is after all, Miral's day."

"You are a cruel man Thomas Paris."

Kathryn let herself be led, or dragged depending on the perspective, back down to the marquee. The crowd had thinned somewhat from earlier in the day. In spite of herself, Kathryn searched the room for Chakotay. Not finding him she made her way over to her mother, Ayala and Harry.

She sauntered towards them with as much dignity as she could muster when she was more than two bottles of champagne in, but before she could reach them her route was blocked by her former first officer.

"You might want to think about a hypospray Admiral," Chakotay said, his face looking to Kathryn as if full of censure.

"Excuse me?!"

"Plenty of brass still left in the room, you don't want to embarrass yourself. Let me get the Doctor."

Kathryn tore her arm from where he had clasped it and caught B'Elanna and Tom's anxious look as they took in what must have been a slightly murderous look on her face. Chakotay took a step back, confusion written over his face.

"Brass? You mean Owen? Who has known me since I was born?"

"Kathryn, I was just..."

Kathryn held up her hand and glared at him. She mentally gave herself a high five as Chakotay's spine instantly straightened. Even two bottles of champagne in, she still had it.

"I know you may only see me as some 'Admiral' with a great big stick up her backside but the people in this room are my friends and my family. I can assure you, they - unlike you obviously - could not care less whether I am falling down drunk or not. They only care whether I am having a good time. Don't suck the fun out of the room, Commander."

Chakotay looked as if she had slapped him and she could see Leona look over to them in concern as the room started to pick up on the tension between the two former command officers. Tom, being the hero he was, bravely stepped up to them and gestured to the stage.

"All yours Kathryn."

"Tom..."

"Relax Chakotay, no one's on duty and the Admiral here promised us a speech."

Kathryn gave Chakotay one more venomous look and turned to climb up to the stage.

"Friends!", Kathryn began and the room turned to look at her, taking some surreptitious glances at Chakotay as she did so, who looked crushed and confused. Good, Kathryn thought. It was about time.

"The guest of honour is fast asleep in her crib and it is left to me to thank you all for coming to celebrate the wonder that is Miral Kathryn Paris." 

The crowd cheered raucously and Kathryn grinned back at them, while watching Leona approach Chakotay with concern out of the corner of her eye and Chakotay shrugging in response, obviously unsure of what crime he had committed.

"But before I start the thank yous I must warn you that B'Elanna has poured multiple glasses of champagne down my neck and I may not be *entirely* sober." 

The crowd roared in approval and she watched as Chakotay looked in confusion between her and Admiral Paris who was whistling and cheering.

"My loyal former first officer here is worried that I might offend the 'brass' with my drunkenness. Owen - are you ashamed of me?"

"I'm ashamed that you aren't drunker!" Owen shouted back to the enjoyment of the crowd.

"There's still time," Kathryn drawled and the crowd only roared louder.

"Are you as drunk at that time in Sandrines?" shouted Harry.

"Which time?"

"The first time!"

"No. Definitely not," Kathryn said truefully, "Unlike that time we haven't started the drinking games yet."

"What about that time in Dublin?" Tom asked

"Do you see the yard of ale?" Kathryn responded and the crowd all fell about with laughter.

"Fleeters bar?" Ayala yelled and the crown whooped in response.

Kathryn laughed, "Maybe. But no where near as drunk as Tom was that night. No dancing on the tables...yet!'

The crowd grew louder and clapped as they whistled at Tom who heroically held up his glass in acknowledgement of the legend he had created that night. Kathryn beamed at her friends and family and turned again to Chakotay, who looked finally like realisation was dawning on him.

"You see, Chakotay. While I appreciate your concern I can assure you that this wonderful group of people have seen me much, much more worse for wear than this. So you can stand down the red alert. We're only getting started this evening! To Miral and the Parises and the bottles of tequila that are behind the bar!"

After her speech duties were over, Kathryn climbed back down on to the dance floor hugging well wishers on her way and made her way over to a somewhat sheepish Chakotay.

"I feel like I may have missed out on some changes since I have been away."

Kathryn looked at him with some sympathy despite still being annoyed with the way he had treated her.

"I like to think of it more like evolution."

"Well you've certainly evolved!" Chakotay said with a laugh, spiking Kathryn's annoyance again.

"Have I? Was I really that cold and closed off before?"

"I didn't mean..."

"Because you should know me better than anyone Chakotay and you have been looking at me with confusion and censure all night. Was I really that much of a cold fish?"

"Kathryn..."

"Oh save it. You know while you've been gone, we've got on with our lives, and we have been enjoying ourselves and leaning on each other and helping each other through this period of adjustment. You missed it. You don't get to judge me."

"I wasn't..."

Kathryn felt the tears well up in her eyes and she mentally damned the champagne and the loose control over her emotions and words

"Kathryn?" Chakotay looked at her in horror and she shook her head at him and walked away. Not seeing the crestfallen look in his eyes as she did so.

=/\=


	3. Chapter 3

=/\=

She apologised the next day of course. She admitted to being a little put out that he had been away for so long but hoped, now he was back, they could put that behind them. He'd readily agreed, apologised profusely if he'd given her any impression of disapproval. And the matter was closed.

Sort of.

He had turned up to the regular Voyager get togethers, which had started while he was away. Sometimes with Dr Leona, sometimes not. They'd met for coffee in San Francisco on a number of occasions. He had contacted her when he received his job offer from the Academy and she had been the person to pin that extra pip to his collar when he was promoted to Captain.

They were fine. And yet...

She regretted the bottle of champagne induced tirade at him. Knowing that whatever steps forward they had made to repair their friendship during the debriefings had taken a knock back. His disappearance hadn't helped, she wasn't going to take all the blame, or his new relationship for that matter. But she wondered if she should make more of an effort. Invite him to dinner. And Leona.

His relationship with the beautiful archaeologist appeared to be serious, he had told B'Elanna they were talking about finding a place together. Arizona perhaps where they both had relatives. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it might. She'd spent the last few weeks since his return accepting that she was lucky enough to have his friendship, that to wish for anymore was pushing the good fortune she had received since they burst through the borg hub. In the deepest part of her she would be willing to admit to an ache that would never probably leave her. But she was determined, she wasn't going to spurn the opportunity the time travelling Admiral had given her and her crew. She was going to lead a full life, focus on her family and friends, make a contribution to rebuilding the Federation after the Dominion war and just be happy.

And she was. Taking B'Elanna's advice she had started saying yes to offers of dinner from eligible men she had previously spurned and had spent the last few weeks enjoying the company of a Captain Sean Ramirez who she had known since her Academy days. He had been a revelation. Seven years of abstention, if you ignored photons and memory wipes, was a long time and while she didn't ever think for one moment that Sean was going to be a permanent fixture, he had certainly helped her rediscover her confidence in the bedroom and, most of all, made her feel wanted and desirable. A woman of the 24th Century she might be, but she was also 45, had a horrendous history with relationships and could count on one hand the number of people who had called her Kathryn in the 7 years before their return.

Shedding the burden of command and regaining a sense of self had been a gradual process since they had come back and she had, literally, put her insecurities to bed now with Sean. For that she would always be grateful to him, even if she was more than aware that he was perhaps not considering their relationship to be as exclusive as she might have been willing to if the rumours about him at a Starfleet Academy ball with his aide the previous night were to be believed. The speed of Starfleet scuttlebutt was a thing to be admired.

It didn't hurt her. Exasperated her perhaps, but he'd made her no promises and she didn't want them. If she was being callous, he had perhaps given her what she needed when she needed it. While she wouldn't have spurned the idea of a few more dates with him, he was a very attractive man after all, she didn't really desire anything more complicated. The future was hers and hers alone.

=/\=

Today was another Voyager get together, Samantha Wildman and her husband Gres had offered to host a barbecue. Tom was in charge of the burgers and all the senior staff, including Tuvok and Seven returning from Vulcan were present.

Gathered on the patio with her senior staff, wine in hand she felt an overwhelming feeling of contentment. She had had a long overdue catch up with Tuvok who, she was pleased to note, showed no sign of the illness that had threatened to claim him. She watched with glee as Naomi dragged Seven round the garden to play game after game. And, on a more serious note, was relieved to see Seven and Chakotay treat each other with as much respect as before without any particular regret. She did notice Dr Leona's eyes widen when they were introduced for the first time and felt a little better that she wasn't the only one to feel somewhat inadequate when compared to Seven.

Catching up with Seven and Tuvok meant that Kathryn hadn't spent much time with her former First Officer but she made a mental note to grab him later before he went. At present she was far too engaged with the gossip that B'Elanna and Sam were engaging in with her sister Phoebe.

"So apparently," Sam continued, "Nechayev then turned up at the Ball with Reg Barclay on her arm!"

"Go Reg!" cheered B'Elanna, "Although I have to say I would never have put those two together. And wasn't Reg dating Commander Harkins' daughter?"

"Apparently she broke up with him for someone in Starfleet Intelligence and was absolutely spitting tacks when she saw he had moved on quickly and with an Admiral no less."

"Gossiping does not become you ladies. You shouldn't believe all that you hear and perhaps you shouldn't speculate about people not here to defend themselves," said the Doctor snootily. Kathryn rolled her eyes at him, knowing full well just why he was keen for the current direction of conversation to change. He shot her a look of alarm in response and she snorted into her wine glass.

"What?" Chakotay asked. Damn man, so many things he never noticed and then picks up on the littlest thing at the most inopportune time. She could walk naked into his vision and he would probably just hand her a towel while he continued with his conversation. That made her giggle in a very un-Admiral like way. She looked at her glass, she had obviously had more to drink than she thought. Which made her giggle even more.

The Doctor was very concerned now and she tried, she really did, for his sake to get control of herself. Chakotay had at this point leaned toward her, mischief in his eyes.

"You know something," he said, which got B'Elanna and Sam's attention.

"What do you know?" B'Elanna said eagerly, and now Kathryn thought about it, she too had a glassy look in her eye. Just how much wine had they drunk anyway?

"Perhaps a hypospray is in order Admiral?" the Doctor said hastily.

"Oh God Doctor, you sound like Captain killjoy here," Kathryn said with a laugh. At this it was Chakotay's turn to look incredulous.

"I didn't say a word!" he said seemingly offended, entirely fairly Kathryn thought but still. She was still annoyed with him. Sitting there, looking relaxed and handsome, with his beautiful girlfriend by his side and his even more beautiful ex-girlfriend in her line of vision.

"Anyway," Kathryn interjected, ignoring Chakotay's frown, "I know nothing. Us Admirals have far too much important work to be doing to be listening to gossip."

It was Chakotay's turn to snort now. "What?" She asked him.

"There was no one. Literally no one, not even Paris here who knew more gossip on Voyager than you. Every romance, every still that they attempted to set up - I was meant to be the link between you and the crew and yet you always, always knew stuff before I did."

Kathryn smirked at him, "Drove you mad didn't it?"

He smirked back at her, and if she wasn't mistaken there was a hint of flirtation in his eye and she held his gaze for a moment before she turned back to the Doctor who was still looking anxious.

"Your secrets are safe with me Doctor," she drawled at him before widening her eyes in horror as she realised she had just given herself, or rather him away.

Tom turned to the Doctor gleefully, "Well, well, well, what secrets would these be Doc?"

"The Admiral is obviously not in control of her functions. I wouldn't take much notice," he said haughtily.

Kathryn grinned at him, "Oh come on Doctor, we are all friends. No one is going to care, or at least if they do, they would only be happy for you."

All eyes swivelled to the Doctor waiting for him say something and Kathryn sat back in her chair smiling at him indulgently, until his expression changed and she felt a slither of fear creep up her back.

"Oh really Admiral? If that's true perhaps we should all share our secret romantic entanglements?" Oh she really was going to decompile his programme and wipe that smug expression of his face.

All eyes swivelled back to Kathryn and she caught B'Elanna's grimace and Phoebe's grin. The only two in present company who were aware of her recent liaisons with Captain Ramirez. At least so she had thought. A quick glance at Ayala saw him smirking too. Make that three people, Phoebe never could keep her mouth shut.

"It wasn't secret," Kathryn said simply and, she thought, without her meaning too. Damn wine.

"You've been holding out on me Admiral, I'm crushed," said Tom who look at her curiously before turning his gaze on his wife, "And you knew - my own wife?!" B'Elanna shrugged as she took a gulp of wine.

"Hey my loyalty is to Kathryn, you know that. I like her better."

"Over your husband?!"

"Will we get to meet him Admiral?" Leona said innocently. Kathryn darted a look at Chakotay before answering. His face completely impassive, as if they were merely talking about the weather. She didn't know why but it enraged her. Did he not feel anything?!

"I doubt it," Kathryn muttered, "I think meeting the family may be a little too domesticated for him."

"Taming the wild ones are your speciality," Phoebe said before she and B'Elanna dissolved in a fit of giggles. She really regretted telling them.

"I wouldn't mind attempting," B'Elanna giggled and Tom pretended to be offended before comprehension dawned on his face.

"Captain Ramirez!" Tom shouted, "You did that event with him and my dad a few weeks ago."

"Captain Ramirez?" Chakotay's tone was dubious and the rage boiled again.

"Why would that be so hard to believe?" Kathryn asked him, her tone dropping to dangerous levels and she felt rather than saw her former staff's backs stiffen.

Chakotay looked at her with a smile, "Come on Kathryn, he's not exactly your type." If looks could kill he would have a pile of ashes and confusion raged on his face.

"Oh please Chakotay do you not know her at all? Ramirez is exactly her type," Phoebe said.

"Perhaps Captain Chakotay is confused because none of us have ever seen the Admiral in a romantic relationship," Seven said, Kathryn hadn't realised that she had joined the group. Oh good now her fling with Sean was going to be part of some sociological survey of Seven's.

"No copping off with Delta Quadrant aliens in front of the crew then Kathryn?" Phoebe asked, knowing the answer full well.

"Hardly," she drawled at her sister with a smirk.

Chakotay looked horrified, "What?!" she asked him, with an exasperation that was not unreasonable.

He shook his head, "Nothing, nothing at all."

An uncomfortable silence descended on the group, she could see Leona looking nervously at Chakotay, obviously wondering if Kathryn was going to chew him out again as she had the first night she met her. The Doctor look shamefaced as if realising he had caused Kathryn some discomfort.

"I'm dating Admiral Nechayev," the Doctor blurted and a cacophony of voices rang out as they shrieked with delight and peppered him with questions. They really were an immature bunch she thought with affection. Kathryn refilled her wine glass and toasted the Doctor, she owed him one although why he had kept it secret anyway she didn't know.

She snuck a look at Chakotay who had shifted his attention firmly to the Doctor to join in the teasing and yet, yes, that was his hand reaching up to tug on his ear. He was uncomfortable. He had a damn cheek to be uncomfortable, but she couldn't help that little feeling of - what was it? Glee? No. Satisfaction? Yes. Satisfaction that maybe news of her romantic entanglement had disturbed him, even only slightly.

=/\=

Later on, nicely buzzed from the wine, Tom and B'Elanna had invited Kathryn, Phoebe, Mike, Chakotay and Leona back to theirs for a nightcap. Leona had begged off, claiming an early morning meeting and Chakotay had let her go saying that he would see her the next day. They obviously weren't living together just yet and Kathryn tried to tamp down the feeling of relief. She really was going to have to get used to Chakotay's relationship or she was going to make herself miserable. Or worse, Chakotay miserable.

An hour later they were all sprawled over Tom and B'Elanna's living room sipping brandy, the hosts snuggled up in the love seat, Phoebe and Mike lazing on the rug and Chakotay and Kathryn on opposite ends of the couch. Kathryn found it symbolic of their relationship, so close and yet, so far.

"Do you think they've done it yet?" Tom mused, still obsessing obsessing over the Doctor's romantic relationship.

Everyone considered it for a moment before all eyes turned on Kathryn, "Don't look at me, I am not his confidante in this. I just happened to see them together at the ballet recital that Sean and I attended last week."

"Does his programme even cover seduction?" Mike asked.

B'Elanna nodded, "He's covered everything there is to know about love and relationships," she smirked, "Nechayev is a very lucky woman."

"It's hard to imagine though isn't it?" Tom said.

"I don't really want to," Kathryn replied with something akin to horror in her voice.

"Maybe she seduced him," Mike commented, "You know what these Admirals are like."

Kathryn threw a pillow at him, "I liked you better before you started dating my sister Lieutenant."

"Kathryn is the queen of seduction. Always had the guys eating out of her hand," Phoebe smirked.

"Hardly," Kathryn said as she took a sip of her brandy, "The last guy I tried to seduce turned me down flat."

Phoebe looked puzzled, "Sean?"

"Oh no way before Sean. And he definitely seduced me."

"Hardly unwillingly," Phoebe muttered at her and Kathryn grinned at her sister.

"I find it hard to believe. If you turned those dulcet tones on me, I'd fall at your feet," Mike laughed as he ducked out of the way of Phoebe's swat.

"And me," Tom grinned followed by a yelp at what must have been B'Elanna's pinch.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay out of the corner of her eye. He looked decidedly uncomfortable with the turn in conversation. She honestly couldn't understand his problem. Feeling suddenly tired she made her excuses to leave. After hugs and kisses to the respective couples she turned towards Chakotay to see him shrugging on his coat.

"I'll escort you back Kathryn, it's late."

"There's no need."

"Please, it's late and I'll feel better."

While part of her wanted to scream that she could take care of herself, she thought that now was as good a time as any to finally figure out what was bothering him and explain his reactions to her since he had come back from his trip. She downed the rest of her brandy and motioned for him to proceed her out of the door.

Her Starfleet apartment was only a few blocks from Tom and B'Elanna's house. It made babysitting much easier and she liked being close to her old crew. Sam and Gres were in the same neighbourhood and when she couldn't get back to Indiana due to work, having her Voyager family close by in San Francisco certainly helped to make up for it.

As they stepped out in to the night air, the bite of the wind took her by surprise and she felt the full force of the wine and the brandy. She reached, rather unconsciously, for Chakotay's arm, refusing to look at him in case she saw any censure there. She was therefore surprised to hear him chuckle.

"You ok there Admiral?"

"Perfectly well. It's just cold. And you're warm."

"Glad to be of use."

"Always," she snuck a look up at him then and saw a gentle smile of indulgence. She felt warmer already.

This. This is what she missed. They hadn't spent much time together just the two of them since his return. The odd lunch or coffee in a crowded restaurant or cafe. She couldn't remember the last time it had been just him and her in a room.

They fell in to a companionable silence, she, unwilling to spoil her first quiet moment with him in months and he - well she wasn't sure why he was so quiet.

All too soon they came to her apartment building and she withdrew her arm to tap in her access code. She saw him blow in to his hands to warm them up - the cold was never his favourite thing and his apartment was another good twenty minutes walk away.

"Come on Captain. I'll make you a coffee, ruin it with the sugar you like so much and then get you a site to site. Privilege of the rank."

He grinned at her and followed her inside.

As the apartment illuminated she realised it had been some time since he had been here. Probably during those long weeks of debriefings as they had gone through old logs, reminisced and remembered just how well they had worked together. It had been a time to reconnect and rediscover their friendship, which Kathryn had cherished and, yes, hoped might be a foundation for something more.

They hadn't however delved in to the personal issues that had driven them apart in the last year or so of their travel through the Delta Quadrant. Perhaps, Kathryn thought, that was the problem. Always unspoken, except through ancient legends.

She moved towards the replicator to make the coffee and caught Chakotay looking round the room as if seeing it for the first time.

"It looks different," Chakotay said, "Homelier than when you first moved in."

Kathryn nodded as she handed him his coffee, "You can thank my sister and our former Chief Engineer for that. Encouraged me to decorate and make it a home. They were right, I had been treating it as temporary."

"Not quite believing we were back?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn nodded and gestured for him to have a seat on the couch as she sat opposite him in her reading chair.

"It took me a while to accept we were home."

Chakotay studied his coffee cup, "You're settled now?"

Kathryn thought about the question, "I don't know if settled is the right word but definitely accepting of the fact we are home. I'm incredibly grateful to the opportunity the Admiral gave us, I've come to terms with the selfishness of it. I can't regret it."

"And the admiralty?"

"I don't relish the administrative crap that comes with the role but to be honest, after the Delta Quadrant, what mission could have more excitement and interest? This way I still get to serve, and have my pick of the more interesting Alpha Quadrant missions."

He nodded thoughtfully and Kathryn took a breath.

"And I get to spend more time on my personal life. Which I seem to remember you always encouraging me to do."

Chakotay looked up at her in surprise and she thought he seemed momentarily lost for words.

"You don't approve?" She asked him and he looked momentarily panicked before that damned inscrutable look fell across his face. God he irritated her sometimes.

"It's none of my business…" he started, tentatively.

"But you don't approve?" she asked again, this time a bit more impatiently.

"Of you getting a personal life? Of course. I was just a bit surprised when it involved Captain Ramirez."

"He's single. So am I. A similar age. Starfleet. What's the problem?" she challenged.

Chakotay swallowed and she saw his eyes flick to the door. Obviously considering his escape. She wouldn't let him. Buoyed by alcohol buzzing through her system she pressed him again.

"Chakotay? What. Is. The. Problem?"

He turned at her tone, annoyance flickering over his features, "You aren't his usual type Kathryn."

"Not attractive enough?"

"That's not what I meant."

"I don't see you disagreeing with me though. So what's the problem? You seemed shocked earlier when you found out I had been seeing him. So what? Didn't you think someone like me could attract someone like him? Too much Virgin Queen for him do you think? Or do you find it hard to imagine what a renowned casanova like Ramirez could see in your old, beat up, ice maiden of a Captain?"

Chakotay's eyes widened, "Kathryn…" he tried to interject but she was on a roll now.

"I mean I know I am no Seven of Nine but unlike some people I could mention there are plenty of men in the Alpha Quadrant who *do* find me attractive. And I intend to enjoy myself. Is that a problem? That i've chosen to embrace my life fully now that we are back, do you expect me to settle down to a boring life, celibate and matronly?"

She got up and paced the floor, "I thought you'd be happy for me? You turn up after months of not seeing us, and weeks of not contacting us I might add, with a new girlfriend and we accept her in to our fold. I didn't question your frankly ill advised relationship with Seven. I accept without question you turning me down when I tried to seduce you. And all I get in return is your disapproval. You disapprove when Mike and Tom flirt with me. You disapprove of my drinking alcohol in front of my family and friends. And now you disapprove because I've been sleeping with Sean Ramirez. Why?!"

She whirled around to find him standing in front of her, his eyes wide.

"Kathryn?"

She watched as he swallowed thickly and the content of her rant caught up with her. Oh shit.

"What do you mean you tried to seduce me?"

It was her turn to swallow now and she felt the adrenalin seep out of her. She tried to hold on to it and her anger.

"Don't play coy Chakotay it's never suited you."

His face hardened, "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."

She stared at him, confused.

"The dinner, before the slipstream drive attempt that never was."

"Yes I remember the dinner, I don't remember the seduction?"

Oh God it was even worse than she thought.

"The dinner, the candles, the music. 'We've waited long enough'. Is none of this jogging your memory? I flirted with you all night. I asked you to stay for a nightcap and you refused and left."

"Kathryn, every dinner we've ever shared in your quarters involved candles and music. And flirtation for you is second nature. I thought you were talking about our journey through the Delta Quadrant being long enough."

She stared at him.

"I would never have dreamt in a million years it was anything more than that. You had made it perfectly clear I was to be nothing more than your loyal first officer. And that's what I was. I said nothing as you played your games with Kashyk. Encouraged you in your flirtations on the holodeck. Stopped you from martyring yourself on many occasions. Helped you grieve after Quarra for the lover you left behind. And here you are acting as the spurned lover?!"

He stepped into her personal space, his anger clear for her to see and she didn't know whether to be aroused or scared. Strange thing alcohol. If he had behaved like this when she was sober he would find himself stripped of rank. Now she couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement. That at least he was feeling something and that damned impassiveness he had displayed since their return was gone.

"And you've got a nerve to question my romantic entanglements. At least mine don't embarrass me in front of the whole of Starfleet by getting caught in a rather inappropriate display in the middle of a federation ballroom with a subordinate."

Kathryn looked at him in confusion. Then the penny dropped. Sean. And his aide the night before. It was an Academy ball. Chakotay would have been there. Sean was there as he was a visiting lecturer this term. Kathryn couldn't make it as she was caught up in a Bolian snafu. That's why he had looked so surprised. He hadn't realised the girlfriend that Sean was cheating on was Kathryn. It wasn't disapproval. It was concern.

"It was his aide. Civilian so not quite his subordinate but still probably inappropriate."

She could see Chakotay try to regulate his breathing and his temper, "You knew?"

Kathryn half sobbed, half laughed, "Of course. Julia commed me the minute it happened."

"You don't sound all that upset?"

"Annoyed? Yes. But Sean was…" She trailed off not knowing how much to confess. She could hardly tell him that Sean Ramirez had merely scratched an itch. Or perhaps she could.

"Sean was attractive, available and he wanted me. And I wanted him. For a night or two. More as it turned out but he was never going to last and I never wanted him to."

She braved at look at Chakotay, "I hadn't felt wanted in a - well - sexual way for quite some time. In fact I had lost some of my confidence in that regard. Sean helped to restore it."

He turned away from her running his hands through his hair before they came to rest on his hips and his head hung low.

She heard him take a deep breath before turning back towards her, "And I had made you feel that way? Unwanted?"

She shrugged, "Between failed attempts at seduction and rain checks for lunch on Voyager, yes you did. You wouldn't even dance with me at the welcome home ball. Said dancing wasn't your thing. So imagine my surprise when you turn up at Miral's naming ceremony with a beautiful young woman and dance the night away."

Devastation flooded his face, "And then Mike flirted with me and you looked like you were going to ream him out for insubordination. As if you couldn't believe that anyone would want to flirt with me. As if it was a surprise to you that anyone would see me as woman, a sexual being."

He shook his head in disbelief.

"I guess part of me should be pleased," Chakotay said.

"Pleased?!"

"Being made to feel unwanted. It's how you made me feel for years."

Kathryn was shook at his cold tone, her eyes filled with tears.

"I moved on. Just as you wanted me to. I didn't think for a minute you were trying to seduce me Kathryn because I had accepted a long, long time ago that we were friends and nothing more. And now? Now you have the nerve to be angry with me because I did what you asked for. I don't deserve that."

A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Chakotay watched it as it travelled down and fell to the floor.

"I can't do this right now. You've had too much to drink and I need to just…process."

"Chakotay…" Kathryn started and reached for him. Burned when he shook his head vigourously.

"Not now."

And then he was gone.

=/\=


	4. Chapter 4

=/\=

Kathryn was sure that of all the inventions of modern life, the antidote for a hangover hypospray had to be the finest.

She had woken up after a disturbed night of sleeping with her head pounding, her stomach rolling and a feeling of absolute dread. The hypospray had ridden her of most of the symptoms but the knot in her stomach remained.

She wondered how on earth she was going to face Chakotay after all that had been said between them. She was mortified. On many levels. She had been unfair, she knew that now.

But she was ashamed to admit that for all her regrets, for all of what she needed to apologise to him for, she couldn't help that what kept replying in her mind was his face as he told her that he had moved on. That he had done what she wanted him to do. She had no one to blame for her heartache but herself.

Her misery was interrupted by her comm system. It was B'Elanna.

"You okay?" her friend had asked, with what looked like sympathy. Had Chakotay spoken to her?

"Fine. Hangover dispensed with. I'm never drinking again."

B'Elanna snorted, "I know what you mean. But no I meant more Sean Ramirez. Julia told me what happened when she dropped off Miral this morning. There we were teasing you last night and…well…I'm sorry."

B'Elanna looked devastated and Kathryn quickly reassured her, "Oh God, Im not upset, not at all. Honestly. Sean Ramirez was a wonderful interlude but I can honestly say his slightly questionable behaviour with his aide is more amusing than it is hurtful."

Her former crew member visibly relaxed, "Have you spoken to Chakotay this morning?"

Kathryn felt the blood rush from her face. "No. Why?

B'Elanna shrugged, "He called us early this morning, said he had been trying to reach you," Kathryn looked at her comm system and there was the telltale light blinking. She hadn't noticed.

"He asked me to tell you to check your 'damn messages' and that if you didn't to make sure you knew that he was going out of town on an Academy trip and he would speak to you when he got back and when you were hopefully 'sober'. Don't look at me like that - his words not mine. What happened last night? Did you have a fight? p'taQ! Did he upset you?"

Kathryn buried her face in her hands, she was mortified.

"I'm coming over," B'Elanna said but Kathryn stopped her with a hand.

"No don't, I'm fine. We had words but I'm not sure I can talk about it at the moment. I behaved dreadfully. I'm lucky he was trying to reach me at all, let alone leave a message with you."

B'Elanna looked disbelieving, "Are you sure? I can be there in two minutes."

Kathryn shook her head, "I'm sure. I'll tell you all but I probably need to speak to him first. Did he say when he would be back?"

"Friday he said," B'Elanna peered through the screen at her, "If you need to talk…"

Kathryn smiled, "I know."

B'Elanna nodded, "Right I need to go wake that lazy ass husband of mine."

"B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked before she could sign off and B'Elanna paused.

"I'm incredibly grateful you know. To you. And Tom. Since we got back, I don't think anyone has done more to help me regain that part of myself I thought I had lost. Your friendship, it's been the greatest surprise and the greatest gift."

B'Elanna who had half risen to turn off her comm sat down with a thump.

"You don't need to thank us Kathryn. We love you. You're our family. There's not much choice involved."

Kathryn laughed, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Kathryn, if he hurt you…"

"He didn't. Not anymore than I hurt myself I think. Or more than I hurt him."

After the call she sat for some time steeling herself for Chakotay's message before berating herself for being a coward and pressed play.

He looked good. Certainly better than she felt. But she could tell he was still angry.

"Kathryn. I've got to leave in ten minutes for an Academy trip to Jupiter station. If you get this after I've left then…We need to talk. When I get back. No alcohol this time."

Well, that was abrupt, she thought. But at least he wanted to talk. Maybe she could hold on to their friendship. She just had to wait.

=/\=

Friday had come around quickly and somehow not quickly enough. She wasn't ashamed to admit that by the time Friday had dawned she had gone through hundreds of different scenarios of how she was going to approach the conversation with Chakotay. B'Elanna had tried to help but as she didn't want to break Chakotay's confidence before she had spoken to him she didn't really know how to.

Slightly abusing her rank and position, her aide had informed her when Chakotay's transport had landed back on Earth and she had made her way home to her apartment to change and wait. His message hadn't indicated when or where they were meant to have a conversation. She thought about calling him but didn't want to run the risk of getting Leona instead.

Was she supposed to do dinner for them? Candles were probably a no go. And probably no music. She snorted. She should probably hold off on the flirting too.

It was hopeless she decided. She needed to do something to distract her. She looked at the wine bottle. That was probably a no go too.

Before she could change her mind her door chime went and with no small amount of trepidation she called for whoever it was to enter and there he was. In civvies, like her, he'd obviously had the same thought about meeting as equals without rank or Starfleet in the way.

"I wasn't sure when to expect you," she said.

"I wasn't sure you'd be sober when I arrived."

The look she levelled on him would have quelled most people except her mother and maybe Phoebe. He was unmoved.

"You make it sound like I have a problem."

He snorted, "Your tongue when inebriated is a problem."

"Perhaps. In vino veritas."

He looked at her quizzically, "My latin isn't up to scratch."

"In wine, lies the truth."

"Ah. So you have been truthful?"

"Of course. You didn't think so?"

"Just checking. It all seemed quite hard to believe."

She nodded at him, feeling unsure of herself and hating the fact.

"Would you like a drink?"

"Dutch courage?"

She smiled at him, "Perhaps," she said ruefully.

"Maybe just a coffee. Safer."

As she busied herself at the replicator and tried to gain some control over her emotions she attempted to inject some normality in to the conversation.

"How was Jupiter Station?"

"Fine," he said as he settled himself on her sofa. She rolled her eyes at him as she handed him his coffee and sat down opposite him, unconsciously mimicking their arrangement from the previous weekend.

"You wanted to talk?" Kathryn pressed, she refused to be intimidated by his mood.

He reclined on her sofa taking a sip of the coffee before wincing. She had forgotten the sugar.

"Oops," she said mirthlessly and this time it was his turn to roll his eyes at her. He got up to get the sugar and surprised her on his return by sitting down on the coffee table in front of her instead of on the sofa. She tried, and failed, to be unaffected by his nearness.

"You drive me nuts," he said.

"Feeling's mutual," she replied.

He took a breath and reached for her hand. She couldn't tell if it was for reassurance or out of pity for whatever it was he wanted to say.

"I meant what I said last week. I had moved on. On Voyager, particularly towards the end of our journey, I had no idea you thought of me in any way but as as a Commander. I was relieved when we got back, during the debriefings that we regained a friendship."

"Me too."

He nodded, staring at their intertwined hands, "In some ways I had stopped seeing you as a woman. I had to. It was self preservation. It never occurred to me that you wanted to change that."

She felt the tears rise and tried vigorously to hold them at bay.

"After the debriefings I felt lost. You seemed jubilant, ready to head boldly in to your future. Everyone did. I just felt numb. I thought that going home would ground me, help me come to terms with all that had happened. And I wanted to nurse my bruised ego after Seven."

He let go of her hands and stood to pace in front of her.

"And then I met Leona. It was normal and nice and uncomplicated. It was freeing. And when she said she was willing to come back to Earth with me, I was so relieved. I had begun my new life in the alpha quadrant, that was completely separate from Voyager. But then I turned up at Miral's celebration…. it felt like everything I had built during my time away fell as if it had been built on sand."

"What do you mean?" Kathryn asked, in no small amount of surprise. He had seemed so together and content since his return. It had infuriated her in fact.

"There was me thinking I had moved on to a new life with a new woman and when I got back I realised that you had all moved on too. But only you had moved on together. I was the outsider. It wasn't disapproval Kathryn when Mike or Tom flirted with you. It was disbelief that your friendship had evolved in that way. I was the one you flirted with. Not the crew."

"But you've made up for that since. You've spent time with everyone, rebuilt some bridges."

"Yes but I can't get that time back can I? It was you that was there for Gerron and for Jor. It was you that had helped Mike find his boys. All those trials and tribulations that the crew went through while I was nursing my bruised ego, it was you that solved them. And without me. You didn't need me."

"Chakotay…"

"Let me finish. It made me feel like I had let go of something important. I had let go of our family in order to move on when I didn't need to and when I shouldn't have."

"We all had to find our way. Our family as you put it love you and respect you. That will never change. Yes they were hurt when you went away and they missed you, we all did. When you returned acting like you hadn't missed us and with a new relationship that was obviously serious and which we all knew nothing about….well…it stung."

"I'm sorry for that. I suppose I didn't realise I had missed you all until I realised just what I had missed if that makes sense?"

Kathryn nodded.

"And I realised that I had some catching up to do. How things had changed. Your relationship with the crew took me by surprise although I'm not sure why. I always wanted you to be closer to them."

"They've been a balm to the soul. Tom and B'Elanna in particular. And Mike - he's become the brother I never had."

Chakotay smiled sadly, "I'm a bit regretful I missed you all getting to know each other. It would have been fun to watch."

"You've would have enjoyed Mike's courtship with Phoebe," Kathryn smirked.

"At least I wasn't the only one in the dark about your relationship with Sean."

"'Lanna and Phoebe knew, and my sister wouldn't have kept her mouth shut with Mike, but Tom didn't know. I think they knew it was a fling, it wasn't something anyone else needed to know about. I certainly wasn't going to bring him home anytime soon."

"It had crossed my mind that you would find a relationship. Quarra taught me that. Although I suspected someone like Mark or Jaffen. A nice guy. Safe."

"Boring you mean?"

He laughed at that, "Perhaps. When I found out it was Sean Ramirez and Phoebe saying that was your type. I wondered if that was why you and I never worked out. I was too safe. You wanted danger and passion."

Kathryn shook her head, "We never worked out Chakotay because I couldn't get the ship home without you. I couldn't compromise our command by getting in to a personal relationship. Our friendship barely survived. I have it on good authority it wouldn't have survived at all if we had remained in the Delta Quadrant."

He nodded, "I understand that. I agree with it. But we never discussed it did we?"

Kathryn looked up at him, considering, "Now you mention it, no. I never thought of us having communication problems but perhaps, upon reflection, we did."

"It was partly my fault. After the void, I realised that what you needed was being saved from your guilt and yourself. And then after Teero, I realised that I had failed you and you seemed further away than ever. After the Equinox I thought I had lost you completely. I was determined to be the best first officer, to let you go as a friend, as something more, so I could save you."

"I appreciate what you did for me Chakotay. I couldn't have asked for more. But you should know that you were never 'safe' for me. Not in the way Mark was, or Jaffen for that matter. You had danger written all over you from the moment we met."

"Oh?" Chakotay seemed lost for words.

"You disturbed feelings in me that I hadn't felt in a long time. Perhaps had never felt, not truly. I'm sorry I never told you that."

Chakotay nodded, "Apology accepted."

She nodded sadly. The topic seemed exhausted. There wasn't much else left to say. He'd let her go. And now she had to do the same. She took a deep breath.

"I'm glad we talked about it. And I'm pleased I still have your friendship. At least I hope I do."

His pacing, which had slowed during their conversation stopped altogether and he looked at her.

"Of course. You can't get rid of me that easily."

"Perhaps now it's safe to have that drink?" Kathryn asked with a smirk and Chakotay laughed.

"Well I think we've exhausted the truth for one night. Any Antarian ale in that replicator of yours?"

"It was the first thing I had programmed."

Kathryn got the drinks and this time they both sat down on the sofa.

"To friendship?"

"Slainte."

"So," Kathryn started, as confessions of the soul were probably over she attempted to change the subject.

"How's the house hunting going with Leona?"

"Ah," Chakotay looked awkward all of a sudden, "Well…"

"Well what? What's wrong?" Kathryn asked, concerned something had happened.

"We broke up about two weeks ago."

"Two weeks ago? But the barbecue…?"

"I know. It may sound weird but she was keen to come along one last time, she really liked you all. In fact I think she liked all of you more than she liked me," he said with a small laugh and a shake of the head.

"I'm sorry Chakotay." 

Kathryn was shocked, she hadn't had a clue. But then also she hadn't spent much time with either of them. She slightly resented all the time she had spent angsting over their relationship. Particularly the past week.

"Don't be. It was for the best. We both realised, thankfully, that as much as we liked each other it wasn't enough. We'll stay friends."

Kathryn patted his hand and held up her glass again, "Here's to finding the one." Chakotay smiled back at her and repeated the gesture.

An hour or so later, and a few Antarian ales later for that matter, found them both giggling over the Doctor's performances that he used to make them sit through. And his speeches.

"I've never seen you move to the Bridge so fast."

"Oh god I couldn't take one more moment. I love him I really do, but sometimes…"

"You want to decompile his programme?"

"Exactly," Kathryn replied as they dissolved in to a fit of laughter again.

Kathryn wiped away the tears of laughter to find Chakotay staring straight at her. All amusement from his face gone.

"What is it?" Kathryn asked, worriedly at how quickly the mood had changed.

"I haven't been able to get the images of you and Sean Ramirez out of my head."

She blinked, that was a non sequitur. She looked down at his glass. Just how much had they had? His eyes were looking little glazed. She didn't think she had ever seen him this drunk before. He'd always stayed in control, allowed her to relax into inebriation. There with a hypospray when she needed it. God she loved him.

"I don't…" she started.

"In fact I've hated every man who has ever flirted with you, kissed you, had a relationship with you."

"Oh," he had obviously decided it was his turn for the truth serum. She didn't know whether to be amused, scared or thankful. Perhaps all three.

Chakotay nodded seriously, "I was the one that ruined the Fair Haven programme."

Kathryn was shocked, "You?!"

"Let's just say the doc is not the only hologram I have wanted to decompile."

"But…"

"And when you walked in to the Welcome Home Ball in that dress I had to wait a few moments before I came and spoke to you. There was no way I was going to be able to dance with you without it becoming obvious what your dress was doing to me."

Kathryn stared at him as if he was a madman. He'd had her convinced earlier that night that he'd moved on. But the traitorous part of her heart tried to make some sense of his words. She thought back to the ball. She remembered being upset that he had barely looked at her.

"When we sat together I had to gaze at the dance floor to keep myself from begging you to come with me to Trebus."

She had thought he had been staring wistfully at Seven. And when he had left her she had thought he was going to say something before he walked away. But she'd been too preoccupied with her own broken heart to analyse it.

"And when Mike talked about a menage a trois with you, him and Phoebe, I had to restrain myself from punching him."

"Okay."

"In fact anytime Mike or Tom flirt with you I want to punch them. I hate their protectiveness over you. That's my job," he nodded with finality.

"But you said you had moved on!" Kathryn cried incredulously.

"I had."

"So - I'm a little confused as to where this is all coming from!"

They both stared down at the glasses in their hands and he smirked at her as he pulled her glass away from her and settled both on the coffee table. He turned back to her and leaned forward, stroking her cheek.

"In vino veritas, Kathryn."

She stared at him, could he really be saying what she thought he was saying. She needed to be sure. This was the one thing they couldn't miscommunicate.

"Chakotay - are you being serious? Because if this is a joke it's not a very funny one. And a little cruel."

"I've wanted you since you put your hand on my chest to stop me from killing Tom Paris. I've loved you for nearly as long. I've also been disappointed in you, disliked you, disagreed with you. But never in that time have I ever stopped loving you. I've tried. I told myself tonight that we were going to hash it all out and move on as friends. But I'm sitting here thinking that no one makes me as mad as you do. No one makes me laugh like you do. There's no one who makes me feel as much or as hard or as deeply. And I'm an idiot for thinking that I could walk away from you when you had opened your heart to me."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that we've been given a second chance at happiness. And instead of letting past hurts and regrets spoil our future, we should embrace what we have and move forward. Together."

By this time Kathryn was unable to stop the tears from flowing down her face.

"No ancient legend?"

"No. No more legends, or half truths or misunderstandings. I love you. And I'm pretty sure now that you love me."

"In vino veritas?" Kathryn asked him with a sob and Chakotay's face broke out in to a beautiful smile, dimples and all.

"Truth," he answered.

"We've waited long enough don't you think?" Kathryn whispered.

"Why Admiral, are you trying to seduce me?" Chakotay whispered back, just before their lips met and their future was sealed.

=/\=


End file.
